So I was thinking about pee and poop today. I’m not sure why.
* Perhaps because when I got up this morning, I let the dogs out, had a cigarette, and then went into the bathroom, pooped, got up and went on with my day. Nothing extraordinary - except that doing it that way seems to be a strictly female thing. Men seem to make it a major event in their day. Have you ever known a woman who regularly takes reading material into the bathroom because it’s going to take her that long to poop? I think not. Even my beloved grandson takes an hour. Odd, don’t you think?
* And that led me to the thought that perhaps I think about poop and pee because I am a mother, and have spent large chunks of my life jumping up and down and getting all excited when some wee one did their number in the potty. “Look! Look! Junior went poop like a big boy! Good boy, Junior! What a big boy you are! Mommy is going to go out and buy you Transformer undies now for a Big Boy!”
* That and the fact that I am a registered nurse, and everyone knows that the first thing a registered nurse asks a person every day is not “Hi, how are you?” Not “What is your religious or political affiliation?” or “Have you had a meaningful interaction with those people in your life whom you are closest to?” Nope - it’s always “Have your bowels moved today?” We even chart it every day - and get all excited on what we refer to ominously as Day 3 No BM.
* When I was low carb-ing it was the only time of my life I had a hard time pooping. And when I did it was pathetic amounts of sticky, tarry stuff. Now, a vegan - well - we know how to git ‘r done!
* Most memoral poop #1. When I was in labor with my oldest child, 28 long years ago when childbearing was a whole lot more barbaric - not that it’s a walk in the park anytime. So, my water has broke, I’m 19 years old and scared to death and in a lot more pain than I remember practicing in Lamaze class, and they give me a damn enema! Then they tell me to lay there with full on contractions and hold it! And THEN evil Nurse Ratchet makes me hie my swollen contracting self off the cold steel table and hop as fast as ever I can over to this little out-in-the-middle-of-the-room toilet (like you see in movies of prison cells) and “expel the enema”. I swear to God, I should have killed that bitch!
* Most memoral poop #2. Last week. For some reason I was feeling a little yucky all morning, but I got ready for work and got in the car. Somewhere during that 20 mile drive I started feeling really yucky, and by about mile marker 15 my butt was clenched so hard I was starting to get gluteal cramps. Completely different from stomach cramps. More like a charley horse of the butt muscles. I made it as far as Casey’s, hurried inside with as much dignity as I could muster, humming the mantra to myself “Don’tpoopyourpantsdon’tpoopyourpantsdon’tpoopyourpants” and walked into the “guest bathroom” as in, oh hey, yeah, this is completely an afterthought and not a medical emergency. Just about blew the bowl out, prayed to God it would flush, came out very nonchalantly, got in my car, went to work, and then of course had to tell all my co-workers about it. Because a) we’re nurses and talk about poop all the time. And b) it’s funny - and funny must be shared, even if it’s humiliating.
* Most memoral pee story. It was another damn freezing cold Iowa freaking winter about - oh - 16 years ago. We had had a big ice storm and the whole world had been Zamboni’d. I skittered gingerly down the long country driveway to get the mail, hit a patch and whoosh! Up went the feet and WAHHHH went the bladder and by the time I hit I was soaked and already starting to freeze. Then trying to make it BACK up that stupid freaking driveway with my pants freezing to my legs with warm/freezing urine. Man, was I pissed - in so many more ways than one!
When my kids were little I made them rice a lot, and we even had a little song to go with it that goes a little something like this.
“The rice goes in the belly
It soaks up all the water
It makes you poop a mountain
Ya Ya Ya!”
And speaking of rice, I made a kick ass homemade Spanish rice Friday for lunch, and took the leftovers for supper at work. No box or mix involved!
Easy Spanish Rice
Bring 1/2 cup water and 1/2 cup tomato juice to boil in small sauce pan. Add 1 cup Minute brown rice. Throw in a handful of chopped green peppers, onions and tomatoes. Let it boil for 5 mins on med heat, covered. Then remove from heat and let it stand for another 5 minutes - that’s how quick brown rice cooks. If need be, for your own taste, add a little more tomato juice if you like your Spanish rice more moist. Eat eat eat!
Come on. Let your hair down. Let your pants down.
What is your most memoral pee or poop story?
