Ooooh - ouch.
I was reading a new favorite blogger of mine - FyreGoddess - where she was talking about people who follow the same destructive patterns in their lives over and over and over. And - em - over and over and over.
Now, I could make the point that we all do that. The person who bitches about being overweight - who gobbles like a hog at the trough. The person who bitches about their job - but who can’t get off their dead arse to look for another.
The Goddess, however, kicked my butt by coining the term “relationship-itis”.
First it made me laugh. Then I went in and puked my guts out. And when I washed my face and looked in the mirror - there was that damn word again - “relationship-itis”. I scrubbed, I scrubbed - to no avail. “Out, damned spot!” I cried!
(Oops - sorry - that was the MacBeth dream sequence. Bwahahahahahahahaha!)
I think it defines that thing we do where we believe that, at all costs, we must be in a relationship.
And, sorry, boys, but my observation is that you guys do it as much as we women.
Now, a strong independent woman like myself will tell you very emphatically - and very convincingly - that I don’t need a man. And I don’t really, in that I can certainly support myself - have done it for years. I can’t fix cars but I know how to dial AAA.
And yet, I know there have been only very brief periods in my life where I haven’t been either married, dating, “seeing someone” or broken-up-but-still-messing-with-each-other’s-minds-and-therefore-hopelessly-entangled with someone.
And I bitch about it.
Because if you want to know the real truth about hippie-dippy Nanna, it’s that I have a selfish streak a mile wide. And I’m not at all proud of it.
Now, I could spend a lot of time beating myself up about this very non-Virginia Slim’s thing I do - but I’m kinda becoming aware of how much time I spend beating myself up, and I’m kinda trying a Sabbatical from that.
And the thing is - we all tend to be very relationship-oriented. The Quest for The Beloved is - shit - it’s what every song is about (unless it’s about trains and trucks and hunting dogs), what most movies are about. It’s what most advertising is based on. We all have it - that desire to connect.
And most of us can be pretty damn self-deluding in telling ourselves that this particular person is Mr. or Ms. Right.
But hold on a second. Is there, truly, a Mr. or Ms. Right?
Or are there just a lot of imperfect human beings out there who have picked up some decidedly nasty little habits - and somehow we’re all trying to fit together?
Here’s my deal - and I can’t believe I’m saying this “out loud”.
I have been with a drunk, a drug addict, and various combinations thereof. In those relationships, it’s very easy to identify who the “injured party is”. It’s me, thank you very much - and everyone can see that, because no matter what an ass I can be at times, it’s still not as bad as doing drugs or being a drunken idiot, right?
So, then, by the grace of God, I run across this very ethical, upstanding guy who treats me like a queen and is generous and loving to my kids and grandkids. And he loves me.
Problem is, he’s a staunch conservative to my hippie-liberal. He’s a Presbyterian to my Catholic. He’s a stoic person to my sloppy hugginess. He’s a “shoot ‘em and let God sort out the mess” to my “feed ‘em and surely they’ll turn into nicer people.”
And so we disagree. Did I mention that we’re both firmly into middle age and the most firm things about us is our opinions?
And so he tells me how I should live my life, and I tell him how he should run his life.
And therein lies the rub. I tell him, of course, because he needs the benefit of my wisdom and experience, and he would be so much happier if he adopted my way of thinking.
He tells me because he is an overbearing, controlling ass.
You see my dilemna?
My daughter said to me once, “It must be weird to have someone trying to re-make you after you’ve spend so much time trying to re-make other people.” Cheekly little thing.
The biggest problem is that we fight, and then I pull out the Handy Dandy Ronco Ejector Button and proclaim loudly that I am done, I am moving on, I am done with this idiot. And I invite everyone I know to jump in and enjoy the drama fest with me.
sigh.
The thing is - I’m an ass. A selfish, spoiled brat ass. And I really truly don’t want to be, and try not to be, but push the right buttons and Ass Nanna comes to the forefront every single time.
Yes, my darling makes me crazy sometimes. And I make his hair fall out.
And that, my dears, is how it goes.
That’s life. That’s relationships.
If I had to describe my beloved to you, I would have to tell you very honestly that he is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He’s quick witted and smart, and he’s sage-wise. But the thing I love most about him is that he’s the most ethical person I’ve ever met in my life.
He “gets” me, even when he doesn’t like what he “gets”.
And he deserves so much better than I give him sometimes.
So I’m putting away the Ejector Button in that time capsule of “childhood things I put away”. I’m going to try, anyway.
I’m going to try to grow up.
I’m going to give it my best shot to stop the childish game of lining up people “on my side” when I’m mad at him, and making childish pronouncements that I will never follow through on - like going to live in a teepee, when the bottom line is, I really like my indoor plumbing. (Although I still do appreciate the aesthetics and natural beauty of living with nature - just like Amy and her camping.)
Jesus. If I’m tired of listening to myself, I can only imagine how my poor loyal sounding boards feel!
Oh - and I made another treat today:
Fat Free Apple Bake
* 2 cups chopped apples
* 1/2 cup dry oatmeal
* 1/2 cup brown sugar
* 1 tsp cinnamon
* 1 tsp nutmeg
* 1/2 cup water OR apple juice
Directions:
-Preheat oven to 350 degrees F
-Place all ingrediants in greased or nonstick baking pan
-Bake for about 45 mins, covered, or until apples are soft and its all steamy and brown and yummy!
from FatFreeVegan.com
I’m not a big sweet tooth dessert eater - I’m more of a salty chip-type person. But my man is, and with his stent placement he needs to eat more fruits and veggies and less fat. He liked this a lot!
